Touch of Humor

A Touch of Humor:

Contributed by Joe Balascio.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

	No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
	When your Mom is mad at your Dad, DO NOT let her brush your hair.
	If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
	You can't trust a dog to watch your food.
	Puppies still have bad breath, even after eating a Tic-Tac.
	Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
	You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
	Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

	Families are like fudge ... mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
	Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
	Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
	If you can remain calm, you don't have all the facts.
	Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's acorn that held its ground.
	My mind not only wanders; sometimes it leaves completely.
	One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
	God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things - right now, I am so far behind I will live forever.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

You believe in Santa Claus.
You don't believe in Santa Claus.
You become Santa Claus.
You start to look like Santa Claus.

I hope that this puts a smile on your face! Send this to anyone who can envision Jell-O sticking to a tree.

To God from the kids

Dear GOD: Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. -Larry

Dear GOD: If You watch me in church on Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes. -Mickey

Dear GOD: I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. -Nan

Dear GOD: In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation? -Jane

Dear GOD: Are You really invisible or is it just a trick? -Lucy

Dear GOD: Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house? -Anita

Dear GOD: Did You mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? -Norma

Dear GOD: Who draws the lines around the countries? -Jan

Dear GOD: I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? -Neil

Dear GOD: Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. -Joyce

Why is that?

	Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery!"?
	Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
	Why is a boxing ring square?
	Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips after you use it?
	Why is it necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
	Why is what doctors do called "practice"?
	Why is it rain drops, but snow falls?
	Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
	Why is the third hand on a watch called a second hand?

Technical Market Terminology Tutorial

	"It's a dead-cat bounce": Believe me, there is no justification for this rally.
	"The market is in a narrow trading range": Prices aren't jumping around as much as usual, and nobody can figure out why.
	"Bonds retreated on bearish comments from the Fed": Once again, nobody understood what Alan Greenspan said. But why else could bonds have fallen?
	"We're near-term cautious but long-term optimistic": Don't blame us if the market tanks.
	"The stock market was down on technical factors": We have no idea why shares fell.
	"The market fell on heavy selling by mutual funds": We still have no idea why the market fell. But everybody knows small investors are stupid, right?
	"The trend is your friend": Stocks have been going up.
	"Trees don't grow to the sky": Stocks stopped going up.
	"The market is looking a little extended": We're dumping everything.
	"Don't miss this compelling opportunity": I need the commission.
	"The market climbs a wall of worry": Sure, it is tough to be blasé about rising oil prices, climbing interest rates and Middle East tensions. But I really, really need the commission.
	"It isn't a loss until you sell it": You took a bath in the stock, but let's ignore it, and maybe it will go away.
	"Focus on total return": Please, please, please don't notice the fund's outrageously high expenses.
	"It's cheap on a relative basis": It is pretty darn expensive, but other folks own stuff that is even more ridiculously priced.
	"It's fairly valued": If the stock climbs a few more bucks, we're unloading this puppy.
	"We've got some great values in our portfolio": Our stocks have been massacred.
	"We buy growth at a reasonable price": We're holding our noses and paying up for some pretty expensive stocks.
	"We're long-term investors": The stock tanked, but we are hanging on, hoping to break even.
	"We think the stock is a potential buyout candidate": I sure hope some corporate raider is reading this.
	"The stock's oversold": We never imagined the shares could fall this far.
	"Nobody ever went broke taking profits": We bought the stock at $16, sold it at $32, and two weeks later it hit $114.
	"The company's quarterly earnings beat expectations": The chief financial officer sandbagged analysts.
	"We've researched this company thoroughly": Here's what we heard from the company's vice president of investor relations.
	"We're fundamental investors": We listen to the chief executive's sales pitch.
	"We're technical investors": We skip the sales pitch and pull out the Ouija board.
	"We buy companies, not pieces of paper": I majored in philosophy.
	"Our strength is evaluating corporate management": We play a lot of golf.
	"The company has solid fundamentals": It is a shame the shares are so absurdly overvalued.
	"It's a New Economy stock": Don't even bother asking about earnings.
	"We rate the stock a strong buy": We need the company's investment-banking business.
	"We consider the stock attractive long-term": The next year is going to be rough.
	"We rate the stock a hold": For goodness sake, dump your shares.
	"We rate it a sell": I'm hoping to get the early-retirement package.

Well known computer and technology jokes

"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons.": Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949
"I think there is a world market for may be five computers.": Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943
"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year.": The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957
"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.": Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp.,1977
"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us.": Western Union internal memo, 1876.
"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?": David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in radio in the 1920s.
"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible.": A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)
"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?": H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.
"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper.": Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in Gone With The Wind.
"A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make.": Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies.
"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.": Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.
"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.": Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.
"If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can't do this.": Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M Post-It Notepads.
"So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we'll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you. You haven't got through college yet.'": Apple Computer, Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer.
"You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all of your muscles? It can't be done. It's just a fact of life. You just have to accept inconsistent muscle development as an unalterable condition of weight training.": Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the unsolvable problem by inventing Nautilus.
"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy.": Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859.
"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau.": Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.
"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value.": Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.
"Everything that can be invented has been invented.": Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.
"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.": Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872
"The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon": Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873.
"640K ought to be enough for anybody.": Bill Gates, 1981

Wisdom and Truths

You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason
why we observe daylight-savings time.
You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you
think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at
that moment.
The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender,
religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we
ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.
There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big
deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".
People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want
you to share yours with them.
If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not
achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would
be "meetings".
The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people
who are not in them.
If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its
glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as
His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
You should not confuse your career with your life.
A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who
perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that
individual is crazy.
Your friends love you, anyway.
Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance!

Comprehending Engineers

A Brief Guide to Engineering Terms:

Phrase	Translation
It has been long known	I haven't bothered to check the references
It is known	I believe
It is believed	I think
It is generally believed	My colleagues and I think
There has been some discussion	Nobody agrees with me
It can be shown	Trust me
It is proven	I remember seeing it in a book once
Theory clearly indicates this approach	I didn't have time to do the experiment
Of great theoretical importance	I find it interesting
Of great practical importance	This justifies my employment
Of great historical importance	We have always done it this way
Statistically significant data from the randomized L5 Taguchi shows	Baffle them with you know what
Random samples were chosen for study	The others didn't make sense
Typical results are shown	Typically good results are shown
Correct within order of magnitude	Wrong
The values were obtained empirically	I took measurements until something made sense
Neglecting this outlier . . .	I don't know why the point is that bad
The results are inconclusive	The results seem to disprove my hypothesis
Additional work is required	Maybe I can get this figured out yet
It might be argued	But I would rather not
The investigations proved rewarding	Hopefully I will remain employed a while longer

You Might be an Engineer If...

	Buying flowers for your girlfriend or spending the money to upgrade your RAM is a moral dilemma.
	The salespeople at Radio Shack can't answer any of your questions.
	You are at an air show and know how fast the skydivers are falling.
	You comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.
	You have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance.
	You know what http:// stands for.
	You see a good design and still have to change it.
	You spent more on your calculator than you did on your wedding ring.
	You still own a slide rule and you know how to use it.
	You think a pocket protector is a fashion accessory.
	Your laptop computer costs more than your car.
	Your wife hasn't the foggiest idea of what you do at work.
	You've ever tried to repair a $5 radio.

Updated: 07/30/2008